Wide Awake
by Skylark Evanson
Summary: Because I was wide awake, watching my own downfall.


**A/N: Just a thought that spiraled into a few thoughts which spun into… this. Based along the timespan of "Forge of Creation" to the end of "Absolute Power" and maybe a little beyond that since it's a reflection.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Ben 10, but I really, really want to.**

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><p><strong><span>Wide Awake<span>**

I knew what I was getting myself into with the first few steps. I'd considered all the consequences within the next fifteen. Then, from there, I'd known exactly what was going to happen, how I was going to save the universe, how I was going to die trying to keep everyone safe to make sure that my dad hadn't died in vain, the world being destroyed only a bit over a decade later.

But I'd forgotten that I'd be wide awake the whole time.

The first time I'd lost my mind, I'd been a sociopath by choice, I'd been going into it with the intention of wanting to kill and to seek out my revenge. Sadly, now that I'd changed, I was awake and seeing my mistakes.

I was trapped inside a body bent on rage and vengeance while I was a prisoner begging to be freed, begging to be back in control of my actions. I'd been a monster while on the good side before, but I'd also had control over who I was, what I was doing. Now, I was thinking good thoughts while in a rampaging body with a thirst for blood. Wide awake and seeing everything that I was doing.

When it started, I was fighting for control, my sanity versus my insanity, the electricity versus myself. I knew I could control it, if even just a fractional amount. I could only absorb a tenth of anything which was why my aggressive side made up for the lack of strength or power; it was the fact that I could only control a tenth of myself that made me afraid of being myself.

In that body, I was watching Gwen and Ben, seeing them through my empty eyes, feeling the urge to kill them with my body, but knowing that I didn't want to, that I couldn't. And maybe some part of my mind was influencing my decisions when I couldn't physically stop myself. I was lucky enough that I flew away; inside, I was grateful that I made it out without absorbing the Celestialsapien and without ripping Ben's throat out.

And when I could see the tears streaming down her face because she lost me to my body, I was there the whole time. The real me was there. I was trying to reach out to her, to hold her, to tell her that I wasn't trying to hurt her, to tell her that I was awake, that I was here still, that my mind was just buried deep inside my subconscious, drowning like a swimmer under ice… I was there the whole time, watching what my body could do under the force of electricity.

Because the only thing that raw energy did to me was that it gave my body an artificial brain, something that ran off of my primal instincts instead of actual thoughts. It fueled me so that I could run without actually having a mind or a sense of wrong and right, no conscience, no thoughts, just urges and needs. That was all I had. That was all.

I was still able to control bits and pieces of what I did: I could slow myself down, bringing thought processes into my mind and trying to make raw energy compute that. It slowed me down, made me stop, made me look at myself in a different, more dangerous light. As long as I was slowed down, I hoped that I was giving Gwen and Ben more time or at least another human being the right to live another day or maybe a few more minutes so that they could have another second or two with a loved one before I brought down my fist to decide their end.

Still awake inside that body; wide awake. Still thinking, still computing, still there, only part of the background instead of the foreground, only a noise in the crowd of screams and urges and needs. I was wide awake, watching and waiting, hoping that my influence could do something to protect them. Something. Anything.

Then when it came time to take down Morgg, part of me wanted that too. It wasn't just my body. It was my real mind. He had killed Kwarrel; that deserved my input and my fist to come down. Someone had saved my life and taken his own in the process. Now I had a body that couldn't be stopped and wasn't going to back down from the thought of getting revenge. Some part of me was controlling my body, but it was the primal, dangerous side; it was the side that had no conscience and that had no guilt. It was dominated by the need to kill anyone who had done me wrong.

Let me just say this: Ragnarok got away easy. He was damn lucky that I wasn't in a form that could've killed him in a heartbeat. I would've snapped his neck, beaten him to a bloody pulp, and then thrown him out into empty space so that if he were still alive, he'd explode at his first breath.

Morgg should've been snapped in my hands. I feel bad for thinking that, but he really did deserve to die more than all the other people that I was trying to kill. He was a monster, not me. I was sane, he wasn't. I probably would've killed him eventually whether I was power-crazed or not. He was asking for it by killing my savior. That part of me was ready to get rid of him. It wasn't just the insanity doing that to me. I was ready to kill him all along.

Maybe Argit didn't deserve what I was trying to give to him. Part of me was furious with him just for being such a rat-faced scum-bag, but I was just as appreciative of him. Despite all the times he lied to me, betrayed me, and tried to kill me, he was still a bit of a friend for me. He wasn't a total enemy. He wasn't my mortal enemy. He was just Argit.

But the way I'd wanted to kill him was a bit more brutal than even I wanted. If I'd known he'd been able to stop his heart temporarily, I would've kept beating up on him until he was just a mass of flesh and bones. Not me, but my body would've. I wasn't in control. I was trapped inside the glass, trying to break out, unable to crack through the prison that kept me from stopping myself.

I was able to shine through sometimes, keeping myself from killing Gwen. Love was a bit more predominant for me than common sense. I was able to tell myself that I loved Gwen and didn't want her dead. I was able to keep my body from destroying her while I was still trying to keep myself from killing everyone else. My feelings for Gwen were a bit stronger than my will to stop hurting everyone else. They'd done me wrong, and I wasn't keen on letting them totally get away with what they'd done, but Gwen was a different story. Gwen was the reason I'd gotten into this.

She was why I had become so focused on justice. She was why I knew I had to absorb the Ultimatrix in the first place. She was the only one I had known I had to keep safe. Because she was defenseless, her mana nothing to Aggregor. And she was the only one I'd wanted to protect, the only one I'd ever risk my life for in this manner. My insanity for her life. That was the deal I knew I was getting myself into.

So I'd stopped myself from killing her because I knew I had to. She was mine, and she was who I was protecting. She was my whole life.

I had this hunger for her energy, but I was able to suppress that for long enough. I was capable of controlling my body just enough to push down that hunger. She wasn't going to get hurt because of me; not even my insanity could hurt her.

Until I started losing myself.

Drowning. I was drowning in this energy that had created an artificial mind for my body. I wasn't in control. I was sinking, a voice lost in a crowd, a drowning body that was never going to be found. That was when I started trying to take her.

Still wide awake when I was draining her.

Still wide awake as I heard her screams.

Still wide awake as I was about to be killed by Ben.

Still wide awake as I nearly murdered Cooper.

Wide awake.

I didn't tell Gwen that I knew what I was doing. I was just going to let her go on believing that I was insane. And I was. My body was. I wasn't. My mind was just pushed to the sidelines, abandoned, left to rot, detached. I wasn't part of what I was doing. My say in anything was minimal at best, if I even possessed any control.

But I didn't tell her that I saw everything and that I was there the whole time. Because she wouldn't get it. I was awake in that body, my mind there. The energy only created a psuedo-mind, one that could function without my real one. And that was how it went. But Gwen wasn't going to know. No one was going to know. Only I knew how I was there to witness it all, knowing that I was ready to kill without a care. But I didn't want to kill. Not me. Just my body. Not me. Because I was wide awake, watching my own downfall.

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><p><strong>AN: Well, that was longer than intended… Anyways, hope you enjoyed! This is just what I thought Kevin was really going through. I think he was awake inside his body the whole time as a witness to the destruction and murder around him. But feel free to deny this idea. I just like it. Reviews are welcomed!**

**~Sky**


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